I’ve been contemplating for a while a post about motherhood, and this seems like the opportune time to write it. I’m not totally sure what I want to say, except to convey the amazing, radical way that motherhood changes your life. Or, to sound less pedantic, the way motherhood has changed my life.
I was never that into kids, and generally found them annoying. When I married Dave I made it clear that I didn’t really think I wanted kids. Even when we decided to start a family, I was ambivalent about giving up our glamourous, kid-free lifestyle. The moment I laid eyes on Henry, I was stoked about being a mom. It has been tough and nerve-wracking at times, but motherhood is so cool! Of course, that being said, it’s amazing how motherhood changes you.
The thing that I don’t think anyone who hasn’t had a kid can understand is the loss of self, the loss of identity. I’m not talking about the fact that for the next 15 years I’ll be known as “Henry’s mom” rather than “Jeni”. I’m talking about the fact that when I had Henry, I kind of gave up pieces and parts of myself.
When Henry thinks about me, he’ll think about me as his mom, whatever characteristics that might conjure up (silly, embarrasing, and wonderful come to mind 🙂 ). Wild and crazy fun mom that I might be, he’ll never know what the first 30 years of my life were like. Those intellectual, adventurous, formative years of my late teens and early twenties, those memories that I treasure so dearly as part of who I am, he’ll never really understand that. He won’t know (or wouldn’t believe) that I used to get into clubs for free just because I was young and pretty and he won’t want to hear glory stories of our girls’ trips to Las Vegas. He’ll never grasp what I gave up to have him. He’ll live his life with few responsibilities and wonder why I don’t relax more. He’ll never know that I had a life before him, without him. That concept will be foreign and won’t make any sense at all to him until he’s a grown man. Even then, he won’t ever really understand, feel it in his soul, until he has a child of his own.
I have a much greater appreciation for parents that I ever did. Thanks to all the moms and dads out there for taking 20 years out of your life to raise us.
